Dear President Zuma,

I found donkey in my burger.

Disappointed

Dear Disappointed,

I can understand why you feel the way you do. After all, I find caviar in my sushi, Johnny Walker Blue in my Coke and gold coins in my Sunday pudding. For me, every day is Christmas. Sorry for you.

Your caring President  

Dear President Zuma,

We are very concerned that senior cabinet ministers like Trevor Manuel and Pravin Gordhan are saying that government will clamp down on corruption within the civil service. It is not even twenty years since we have governed this country – how can we undo the legacy of the past when black people were denied access to the wealth of this country for more than 350 years? We need more time.

Public Self-Service Union

Dear civil servants,

I can assure you, you have nothing to worry about. As you know, 2014 is an election year. The racists and their Uncle Toms and Aunty Lindiwes are going to throw everything at us to undermine our majority in Parliament. So, we have to begin to make the right noises – like saying we will clamp down on corruption – to secure our majority at the ballot box so that people like you – and I – can continue to eat.

First Citizen, First Eater-

Jacob Z

Dear Jacob,

I’m beginning to understand what you meant when you told me that it was great to be President; it’s just the people you have to govern that are the problem. Now, some of my citizens have launched a campaign to send me into space. If it happens, would you like to join me?

President Morsi

Egypt

Dear Mo,

Thank for your kind invitation. However, my citizens have already given me all the space I want. When you do reach space, have a look down – you can’t miss it. The Great Wall of China is the little thing next to Nkandla.

Your friend

J

Dear President Zuma,

As you know, I’m in a bit of a mess. I would really appreciate your advice on how to deal with it.

Oscar P

Dear Mr Pissedorius,

I’m afraid that I can’t really help on this one. My experience is exactly opposite to yours. You started as a global hero, and then you fell. I, on the other hand, started with a reputation in the gutter, so no-one expects anything better from me. When I mess up, everyone expects it. All I can say, next time, start with criminal charges against you, and then work your way up from there.

Your President

Dear President Zuma,

Our foreign investors would like to know your government’s position on nationalisation of the mines once and for all. We get mixed messages and this creates great uncertainty for executive bonuses. Please clarify.

The Chamber of What’s-Yours-Is-Mines

Dear Chamber,

We have been very clear and consistent on this matter. On Mondays, we do not nationalise. On Tuesdays, we think about it. On Wednesdays we threaten nationalisation. On Thursdays we deal with other matters. On Fridays, we nationalise and then, over weekends, we go hunting and have braais on Cyril’s game farm. Which we couldn’t have done if we had nationalised. Which is why we don’t nationalise. On Mondays.

I hope that clears things up.

The Prez