Letters to Msholozi

by Sep 13, 2012Magazine

Dear Msholozi,

As a nationalist and long-time supporter of the African National Congress, I am disturbed by reports that the SA Communist Party regards you as their useful idiot to help them get – and keep – their hands on the levers of state power. Are these reports true?



Dear Nationalist,

I’ll get back to you. I just have to ask Blade.


Dear Msholozi,

I believe that you, like all big African leaders, are building a new town – Zumafontein – near your village, Nkandla. I would like to offer my services to design and build a new statue of you to be erected in the centre of town.

Yours truly, no really, truly

Brett Murray

Dear Murray,

I don’t need you to erect anything to do with me. I can erect myself.


Gedleyihlekisa Zuma

Dear Msholozi,

We in Orania have been watching the Olympics with great concern at the domination of black athletes. Whites have been marginalised even though we started running everything. (The only time blacks used to run was away from us.) Since you have engaged with our leader, Steve Hofmeyr, we are writing to ask for your support for us to host an Olympics event to encourage white athletes to take their rightful place on the inside lane.

Yours towards abnormal sport in an abnormal society

Wit Blitz

Dear Mr Blitz,

I would be happy to support your application to the Lottery for a white Olympics. In return, I would like you to make a few small contributions to various South African charities like the Jacob Zuma Charity-Begins-at-Home Trust, the JZ Rides-Again-Re-election Trust, the Showers-For-All AIDS Trust and the Breakfast-in-the-Morning Women’s Abuse Trust.

I thank you.

President Zuma

Dear Msholozi,

Why is it that after Polokwane delivered the ANC and the Presidency to you, you have punished Limpopo by not delivering text books? Is it because Julius is from Limpopo?


Dear Matriculant,

First, congratulations on your perseverance. Like Hotstix Mabuso, you’re never too old to matriculate (even though I didn’t, and look where I am today). (Which just goes to show, it’s not true that you need an education to make it in life.) Secondly, let me assure you that Julius has nothing to do with textbooks (he didn’t have anything to do with textbooks when he was at school either!). To encourage an active citizenry, we sometimes hold things back precisely so that citizens can come out and demand what is rightfully theirs. The bourgeois media sees it as service delivery protests; we prefer to see it as encouraging year-round democracy.

We have the textbooks. But get out there! Go on, march!

Good luck

President Zuma

Dear Husband,

You have given Nkosazana the African Union. And she is your former wife! The rest of us would like something too. Thobeka would like the United Nations, Nompumelelo is happy to have BRICS and Bongi wouldn’t mind the European Union. As for me, you can give me either the World Bank or the IMF.

Looking forward to your waving your magic wand.


Dear Siza,

Please do not send these letters to my office. People will accuse me of nepotism.

With 25% love


Dear Msholozi,

This is to seek your advice: should I run for President?

Kgalema Motlante


Dear Mr Vice-President,

Absolutely, you should! I will support you. In 2016.

Your President


Dear Msholozi,

I am greatly concerned by the number of assassinations of ANC whistleblowers, politicians and corruption-busters by ANC comrades. ANC-on-ANC violence is tearing our movement apart, all for tender love. Are we becoming a banana republic?


KwaZulu Natal

Dear Concerned,

Thank you for raising your concerns. Please be assured that we are a rainbow nation and as long as we have watermelons, naartjies and coconuts, we will not become a banana republic.

President Zuma

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