by Jun 3, 2015Magazine


Thank you for the recent state visit. Joburg’s changed quite a bit since I was last there. (I was expecting to get hijacked, lol!) Sorry not to get to Nkandla and meet your people. But, please can you speak to your king? He’s causing chaos for my people on sabbatical in your country with his anti-foreigner comments.

Bob Mugabe

Howzit Bob

No worries. We’re onto it. We’ve already retired Mac and dispatched him to work with the king as a communications consultant for a while. But do bear with him; Mac’s a bit busy right now. He’s reading the Farlam Report on the Marikana for me, and is preparing my response.


Dear President Zuma

I am writing to you on behalf of a minority threatened with extinction just twenty years after the dawn of democracy – statues. Indeed, Mr President, the status quo is under threat. In the name of reconciliation, we have provided shade and toilet facilities for pigeons for the last two decades. Now, suddenly, our apartheid or colonial past is being dug up like dirt on a whistle-blower to make us look bad.

If the ruling party can have former National Party and Bantustan leaders in its leadership, then surely the country should accommodate us, along with all the Madiba statues? We’re not hurting anyone. No-one takes us seriously, just like no-one takes seriously what Madiba supposedly stood for anyway. There’s talk of putting us all together in some kind of statue park. If that happens, I promise you, there’ll be war. I will NOT be in the same space as Cecil John Rhodes or Queen Victoria. Just saying.

Yours sincerely

Paul Kruger

Nelson Mandela Avenue

Dear Oom Paul

Thank you for your letter written in stone, unlike our Constitution. To be honest, we’re not too keen to get rid of you and your ilk either. I have more than enough letters from Steve Hofmeyr already.

But – just between you and me – as long as people are fighting about statues, I don’t have to worry about questions about Nkandla and all this service delivery stuff! So, just hang in there a little more and do your bit for national security.

I promise that should we be forced to remove you, we will relocate you to a place where you will feel welcome – Orania, where you will have pride of place next to the Koeksister Monument.

Presidentially Yours

Jacob Zuma

Dear Jacob

The last time we met, we made a bet about who will go first – you or me. I guess you’ve won the bet. Accordingly, I will lift the ban on your blue light brigade between 02:00 and 06:00 when you’re coming back from Mavericks or wherever.

Yours sourly

Helen Z

Dear Helen

While I am happy to have won the bet (that’s the fourth one I’ve won after Thabo, Julius and Vavi), I am really sad to see you go. I will miss your dancing and blue doek, but at least I will still have it on YouTube. It always cheers me up after question time in parliament.

Now that you have gone, I’d like to invite you to go further.  I’m offering you an ambassadorship. We have vacancies in Somalia, South Sudan and Syria at the moment. Do let me know if you’re interested.

Yours most insincerely


President Zuma

I’ve had it with this all this racist talk against white people, and blaming us for everything. Colonialism this! Apartheid that! If it wasn’t for us, you wouldn’t have the wheel!

I’m out of here.

CJ Swart

Dear CJ Swart

If you hadn’t brought us the wheel, we wouldn’t have had the necklace. I thank you.

President Zooma

Dear President Zuma

As a group of concerned citizens, we write to you to express our deep concern at the state of our democratic institutions, all of which are completely dysfunctional.

The National Prosecuting Authority is in a mess. The Hawks are leaderless. The South African Revenue Service is plagued with suspensions. The SABC is in crisis as is SAA. For the sake of our country, we ask you to attend to these matters urgently.

Concerned Citizens

Dear White People

I need to point out that not all our democratic institutions are dysfunctional. Not yet anyway. I’m just awaiting the end of Thuli’s contract. Then you can talk!


President JZ

Dear President, my President

Greetings, my President. I hope my President is doing well. I further hope that my president is happy with the job I am doing at the SANC. Hehehehehehehe¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬.

As you know, my president, we are in a bit of a financial crisis at the SANC, and I haven’t been able to double my salary in the last six months. So, with the greatest of respect my president, this is to respectfully request that you answer more questions in parliament.

My president, this may sound like a weird request, but here’s our thinking: the parliamentary channel has increased viewership by 2 000%. It’s doing better than the soap opera channels, the crime channel and the cartoon channel combined! And, Sir, Mr President, you are the star.

The ratings go up when you are in the house. We’ve been speaking to advertisers, and they will pay top rates for advertising during parliamentary debates! This, my president, will generate excellent income for the SANC (and, indirectly, for the JZ Family Trust).

With the greatest respect


Dear Hlaudi

I love answering questions in parliament. I will ask Baleka for more time.


Head of The Family you can Trust

Dear Jacob

It’s like old times, like 1976. The youth are revolting. They’re attacking statues. They’re calling for change. And they’re winning. Should we be worried?


Dear Cyril.

Indeed, the youth are revolting. Take Julius. Can you think of anyone more revolting? Worry? Me? Hehehehehehehehe.

Chill, Cyril.


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